Silber 1

Why can't I just answer the world with love?

Probably because I can only empathize with them when I'm happy. Strange though. Not much empathy going on at the moment.

I should feel guilty and mortified. He was just some guy. Like me. Came out of his mother's womb at one point. And then the world fucked him over so badly... I wonder if he ever wanted to kill himself ... his eyes look tired. And he was married.

God I don't know why I do this. Maybe it's because I can't stand the feeling of having someone tell me what to do. He was always so pompous, one of those people that like to tell you who you are, what you are. And I turn into a shivering baby every time. It's like I'm trapped in their world, in their values and I can't get out. And then I'm here and their world is gone and none of it really matters anymore. So strange.

It's so serene around here. I love the wind in the trees. I wish this night would never end. Why am I only happy when I'm here? I really hope they're coming. It can't be much longer right? I wonder how long I can keep this up. Last time I went insane after just one week. Maybe I can keep a bit for later.

"You are disgusting."

You think so? You know, the real tragedy is, that if I was brilliant or amazing, I would never knew it because of you. My loyal voice of misery.

"Is it my fault you kill people?"

Maybe it is. I don't know you well enough.

Sometimes I wish I could just fly away and leave you behind. Maybe I should become an owl, I could keep hunting, but I wouldn't have to drag you around with me.

This smells amazing. I can't wait. Maybe I should just eat it raw. It's so strange: When I'm in their world, I think I'm a monster, but when I'm here I'm just myself. Nothing more, that's all I am. I'm free. But of course it will pass ... sometimes it feels as if I'm dragging the bodies around with me, wherever I go. I need to stop one of these days.

"It's not like the Wehrmacht will suddenly show up..."

This is the best thing I've ever eaten. No competition. It almost tastes like her voice:  Hits me deep inside my heart, as if her hands would reach inside of my soul and tear out pieces one by one. Too much to handle, too much to feel and savor, and you die in each moment you're alive. It feels amazing. As if I was meant to be here. Even though I probably was not and it is all random and confusing. And if I'll start shaking from each bite then so be it. I've tasted the universe and everything all in one night. Wow that was poetic. I should write this stuff down some time. I wonder if I would make a good writer...

"How do you think this will all turn out? You can't keep going like this, you know that ..."

If things go south, we can still stay at the farm. Would be a great place to raise a family. Maybe I'll take her with me ... we could have kids. I could teach them about the woods. And we'd all just go out scanning the area like a pack of wolves. It will work out fine in the end. I've been through worse after all. This is so good...

One should not be this relaxed and happy while doing something so vile. But then again, why does it feel so natural? I don't understand this. We're all fine. It's all fine. It's life, it's all part of life and death for that matter. But this is alright. This has to be alright. It feels alright. It has to be. It has to be.