Developer Diary 76 - Amen

I'm going through my diaries and early notes tonight and just found something interesting from long ago. While studying for the conservatory entrance exam, I had written down a prayer one night. I must have been around 20 years old, and during that time, I was living for the first time on my own. I don't remember why I did that, or where it came from. The last couple of lines said:  


Dear God, ... 
Let me find strength, when all I feel is weakness,
Let me be brave, when all I feel is fear.
Let me be compassionate, when all I feel is rage,
Let me feel freedom, when all I feel is confinement.

Please let me be who I truly am and fight for what I truly believe in, 
And in return I promise to be myself forever....
Amen. 

And suddenly a thought hit me: At what point, does this stop being true? If this is truly a bargain, what if one of these two parties, doesn't keep their promise? It's funny because I suppose everybody secretly makes this promise .... I think it can easily be mistaken with: "Hey, as long as things are looking up, I don't need to start any crazy stuff."

But I do believe that all consciousness carries a responsibility to cure itself and to return to what it truly is. I believe that this is the true meaning of the Bardo Thodol: Consciousness won't automatically turn darkness into light. It is a long process of soul searching and self reflection. But consciousness has a responsibility to do so, and to take up the long journey towards light. Or it will lose it's own identity and purpose. It will remain in darkness and change into a different form. This duality is a defining feature of all sentient beings. And it doesn't matter what, who, or where your conscious center is. You either move away from the darkness and towards the light or change form and move even deeper into the opposite direction. But the potential for change and the constant ever changing current of thoughts and feelings remains present all over the spectrum. The final goal is neither light nor dark, but a satisfaction of the underlying curiosity that consciousness carries inside. And since (at least to my own understanding) this curiosity is insatiable, eternal and endless there is no goal, just experience and a (more or less limited) free will.

I choose light. I always will.