This not about the game, but a very long philosophical post on my own perspective of the world we live in. It might not be in line with your world view and that's OK. I don't believe in forcing my beliefs on anyone. But it could be helpful for others struggling with dark times and life in general. This post was written on the early morning of December 9th 2023. I was snowed in at my house and it was very dark outside. One of my dogs was suffering from a cancerous tumour growing through his jaw and I was just giving him palliative treatment to ease his pain. During that time I went outside during work breaks to hack through the snow and frozen ground to prepare his grave. I didn't know how much time he had left and I knew that once he died I would not have the strength to dig his grave through the snow and ice. That's why I decided to spread out that work over several days beforehand. Digging his grave while he was still alive felt horrible and strangely cathartic at the same time. While I was digging I thought a lot about life and death in general and this post eventually came out of me one early morning.
Introduction
Because of internal and external circumstances there has been quite a lot of darkness in my life recently. And yet I find myself surprisingly stable and determined. This brought me to an interesting thought process.
I am often accused of having a "black & white" mentality, dividing the world into good and evil. If you've never experienced pure sadistic evil, then it's easy to paint the world as a grey muck and feel morally superior to the ones who have suffered incredible injuries. I'd like to give a different perspective on good and evil in this text, that doesn't immediately rush to the extremes of either philosophy.
Definitions:
Let's say we define darkness as a primary force, that is life-opposing. This force can manifest internally through intrusive and depressive thoughts, or it can manifest externally through circumstances that threaten our livelihood and our survival or the survival of our loved ones. Therefore we can define light as the opposite: A life-giving force, that ensures our comfort and survival and that gives us strength as well as the energy that is needed to continue on the path.
Starting Conditions - What Is The Playing Field?
Since I'm a huge proponent of the Buddhist world view it shouldn't be much of a surprise, that I believe we live in a world of darkness. The ruleset of this universe requires that all life forms either consume the resources of other life forces or end their lives altogether as predators. Even when it comes down to plant life, our metabolism requires consumption of nutrients that can only be extracted from entities that we have learned are in fact alive. Mushrooms, plants ... it doesn't matter how strict our diet is: One life has to end or at the very least suffer, so another can continue. (at least if we take technical evolution and scientific progress out of the equation for now)
We live in a universe that on the one hand manifests life forms and conscious beings through the process of evolution and on the other hand does not provide resources for these life forms in abundance. Personally I believe that considering the vastness of space and the sheer amount of planets, that the existence of extra-terrestrial life forms is almost certain - whether they exist in the form of single cell organisms or more complex invertebrate creatures. But from what we have learned about space and other planets, those life forms are a rare and unique occurrence. They are special and the circumstances required for life to arise on any given planet are highly specific.
(Interestingly this is one of the reasons why some scientists develop religious faith in a creator, because the circumstances for complex intelligent life to arise on any planet are so specific, that the likelihood for it to arise by random chance is so incredibly small, that it is to some degree more rational to assume, that an external force had something to do with it)
Choice
Considering all this, it is fair to assume that the darkness "owns" the playing field from the get go. We all arise from the darkness in a sense - from a state of non-life and while we are alive, we have to overcome opposing forces that primarily work towards bringing us back to that state. Disease, disability, environmental factors, accidents ... We all survive our early years through the love and compassion of our parents and family members. This is the primary life-giving force, the first light that ensures that our own light can grow and expand long enough for us to be able to sustain ourselves and others on the playing field.
Yet in order to survive we have to defend our boundaries and we have to consume other life forms. In a sense we have to follow the ruleset of the darkness - we ourselves become a dark force through the sheer will of survival. What's interesting though: The damage that we do to other life forms can be greatly diminished. If we overcome our own trauma, if we dedicate our lives to compassion and humility, if we recognize the value of life, how rare and beautiful it is, we (as a complex intelligent life form) have the capacity to re-formulate the ruleset and build an existence based on compassion and mutual support. We even have the technology to sustain our own bodies and nourish each other without having to resort to taking life. (we don't do it, because we're selfish sadistic pricks, but we could)
The Game
Now I'm going to postulate something that I can't prove: The darkness and its ruleset are a very complex conscious entity. And so is love and compassion. I postulate that they are not separate individuals like you and I, however they are like laws of nature that act intelligently. Like an algorithm that doesn't just run itself, but makes conscious decisions depending on what exactly is taking place, where and when. These forces become conscious and intelligent through us. We are it's avatars. And so is every life form that ever existed.
We give them hands and feet, we give these forces a voice and the sense organs to perceive the universe they reside in. They are amazed by it. But from the get go the darkness has the upper hand, simply because of the way this universe is set up.
The darkness is opposed to existence and conscious experience. It wants to end it.
The light favours life and conscious experience. It wants to extend it and protect it.
We are the intermediaries.
The fact that there is life to begin with demonstrates, that the light has won an initial victory. It has found a way in which it used the laws of the darkness in order to give rise to conscious experience and it was able to maintain this experience of the universe throughout an unfathomable amount of time. It managed to do this, despite the darkness' primary advantage on the playing field. This victory deserves respect. Can we even imagine the suffering that countless beings had to overcome in order to sustain their own lives? What they had to go through in order to drive evolution further? Our minds can't even perceive it ... it is too much ... but this is where we are right now. We have achieved so much ...
We are on the verge of changing the ruleset of existence. The moment we have found ways to extend life without causing suffering or shortening the lifespan of other beings, the moment we understand the value of life and work towards compassion and humility as a society, that's when the light has won. Because then there is a level playing field. The darkness loses its advantage.
There is no need for fear or anxiety in a world where our primary resources for survival are secure. There is no need for hatred in a world where we have learned to support each other, where all our needs are met and where we understand that it is "us" who is looking back at us, when we see another creature.
But the darkness didn't just sit back and watch. It influenced all of our decision making processes throughout the evolution of mankind. We inflicted trauma on each other and ourselves and this way the darkness brought forth traumatized beings that were unable to exhibit any form of compassion, purely driven by their own anxiety, their own pleasure and their own need to survive. When these beings become too powerful they have the ability to plunge the entire world into chaos. And they have done so in the past. And they continue to do it as we speak.
So this is where we are as a society. We have the knowledge, the means, the tools and the minds to build a society that can sustain itself and overcome the primary advantage of the darkness. And we have the legacy of our own actions in the form of incredibly dark beings shaping our way of thinking and our society as a whole. And on top of that we carry our own trauma, our own fears, our own anger and insecurities.
The Modus Operandi
The darkness makes its moves with the primary goal of inflicting suffering and eventually death. It doesn't matter who suffers, it doesn't matter who dies or how many. The goal is simply to inhibit life giving forces wherever possible.
It uses the following tactics:
- It maintains the chain of trauma, by influencing our actions through fear. Our primal fear is that of helplessness in a situation of mortal danger. Traumatic experiences put us back into a situation in which our lives were in danger. We act irrationally and through those irrational actions we either fight, run or play dead. If we fight we inflict more trauma on others, if we run we maintain the trauma inside of us and if we play dead we become inactive and stop life giving behaviours.
- It maximizes and spreads new trauma through the actions of psychopathic beings, that either lost their ability for compassion completely based on previous trauma, or were born without the capacity for compassion to begin with (yes they exist)
- It immobilizes us by turning our attention towards the playing field. The darkness wants us to see the world as lopsided, as unfair and opposed to life. It does so not only by fuelling our existential anxiety, but also by fuelling our anxiety in our immediate environment. Hopelessness is key: If a being is hopeless it will stop life affirming behaviours.
- Most importantly: It wants us to fear death, because if we fear death, then all our actions are in line with the initial ruleset of the playing field: "You've got to take a life to sustain a life". A zero sum game. And it wants us to fear death not just sometimes ... it wants us to fear death all the time.
Death
But wait: Why not fear death? It means the end of all experiences, of all that is dear to us, of everything we fought for?
My answer would be:
At least empirical evidence suggests, that this is not the case. There is a whole repository of near death experiences where people describe detailed and eerily similar accounts of existing outside of their bodies. The sceptics theory of the brain's oxygen deprivation accompanied by hallucinations does not account for the fact that many of these people were able to accurately describe external events happening outside of their range of perception (e.g. people talking in a different location, describing what they were wearing a.s.o.).
Neither does it account for the fact that their experiences all share very, very, similar imagery and perceptions. Hallucinations are by nature almost impossible to predict, because they are heavily based on the thought process of the individual at the time of the hallucination taking place. But NDEs share too many similarities in between witness accounts to be discounted as hallucinations. On top of that there have been reports of people being in life threatening situations without their body being harmed and yet they experienced NDEs and a slowing of time. Their brains were not oxygen deprived in these moments and their bodies were perfectly intact.
There have also been experiments with deep brain stimulation with the aim of reproducing experiences of "light" and a joyful feeling. My question would be: If I can stimulate your brain and you see a vision of a cow grazing on a field - does that mean cows don't exist?
(This topic enrages me to some degree as I often find that sceptics are held to a much lower degree of scrutiny and logic, than the ones collecting empirical evidence of the phenomenon and whether something is "proof" or "empirical evidence" is simply a matter of classification and scrutiny)
Overcoming Fear Of Death & Trauma
The key antidote lies in recognizing the darkness when it arises. Fear of death is evolutionarily speaking a necessary part of our existence: It protects and maintains our bodily integrity. If I'm not afraid of death I will engage in risky behaviour. So this fear serves a purpose.
But the darkness does something else: It invokes this fear in order to manipulate our way of thinking. It wants us to believe that we are existing in a closed system. If you follow that train of thought to the very end it leads to the belief that all existence is ultimately hopeless. Because everyone and everything will eventually die. So why raise your children? Why get up in the morning? Why do anything for anyone if it doesn't matter?
And the ones who have experienced it will already recognize it: Depression is merely internalized fear of death followed to its logical conclusion.
And this is exactly how the darkness works. It fuels hopelessness by creating an image of a world, where our actions don't matter.
How To Fight The Darkness
1.) Recognize the darkness: Any experience, thought process or event that makes you want to cease to exist is an extension of the darkness. Whether it is a narcissist demeaning you, a hopeless depressive thought, suicidal ideation, physical debilitating suffering, crippling anxiety ... or even a spiritual experience of a dark entity ... rage towards a loved one, outbursts of anger ... this is the darkness. This is your antagonist.
Look at it.
Know it.
Feel it.
Taste it.
Stay with it.
Watch it.
Observe it.
2.) When you experience it, know that it wants something from you. It is powerless if you don't follow it's bidding.
- It wants you to cause harm without considering the consequences
- It wants you to hold on to your worst traumatic experiences and relive them
- It wants you to cease all life affirming activities towards yourself and others
- It wants you to experience the world as finite and hopeless
- It wants you and everyone you love to die
3.) And now the actual fight takes place.
You'll need to find a reason for existence to continue. Not just your own. But the existence of all life on all planets in all the universes.
This seems like an insane task right? And it is. That's why so many of us lose that fight. Because you either find an answer to that question, or you do what the darkness wants you to do. And you deteriorate. And you die. And not just physically. You can be long dead before your body finally gives out.
It's that simple.
The darkness doesn't negotiate. It doesn't care.
It doesn't sway, it doesn't back off. It comes again and again and again.
And it will ask you that same question over and over again.
And you'll need a good answer that you actually believe in every time.
Or you'll fail.
Why is suffering worth it?
Why is existence worth it?
What is the reason you're alive?
All those questions we run away from when we're sitting on the toilet with our phone in our hands. When we can't fall asleep at night, because we're paralyzed by fear and terror. When we're standing at the graves of our loved ones. When we have to realize how weak and frail we are. When our memories come rushing towards us like a freight train and we can't get out of the way.
Why should this continue to exist?
What is the value of this experience happening at all?
I've fought a couple of rounds with the darkness. But it still kicks my ass.
Sometimes every single day.
But at least I know I'm fighting it. And I enter the arena and I look into it's eyes and I see it.
And I stretch out my arm and invite it for another round.
And every victory changes me. And so does every defeat.
And that's OK.
As long as we're willing to fight.
