I originally planned to finish all SFX by the end of May, but as always life got in between. I'm genuinely afraid I'm working too slow, getting too little progress done. But I can't neglect my girlfriend, my family or my job. There is little in my life I have ever wanted more than to create this world and yet I feel constantly torn between my responsibilities and my passions.
There is a part of me that won't allow me to quit, whatever happens. It would feel like the ultimate betrayal, as if I would cut out a part of myself. I catch myself sitting at the piano, playing Lakini's theme over and over again. Improvising while closing my eyes .... I lose myself completely ... and for a second I am back there, inside the woods, trying to find the light I so desperately need.
Surviving as a musician means, that you constantly have to be on guard. Your next paycheque is never secure and your network, your professional performance and discipline determines whether you will survive. It takes constant maintenance and effort to grow and learn.
Ever since my dog died I noticed that I have grown weiry of my everyday life. She used to bring so much energy and light into my life. Now that she's gone I'm sometimes struggling during times when I'm alone. I grow tired and cynical and I don't want to be this way. I'm used to pulling myself back up when I'm knocked down, so this is nothing new to me. But it's hard at times to maintain a steady routine or constant effort in order to persevere.
I have this vision of myself lying in the sun. I am close to a river and I can hear the sound of flowing water in my ears. The wind in the trees, the sun on my face .... I just drift off and clear my mind for the first time in years. I believe in that moment and I want it to happen. I will do what I can to make it happen. Whatever it takes ....
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