Developer Diary 112 - Progress Documentation

During the last month I grew increasingly sick of working on Sound FX. I finished the giant's footsteps and some additional VO for him and then went back to Unreal Engine. I updated everything and installed the drivers and when I went for my first stroll through the world I felt ... happy. Incredibly content. I suddenly understood again what it was, that pulled me into this all these years ago.

Since I was afraid, that I wouldn't invest enough hours into it or lose track, because other things in my life may interfere with my work, I decided to implement a new time management system for myself. I wanted to see my progress every day, and make sure that I would invest enough hours into the project.

I started timing myself every day while working on the engine. Bathroom breaks, browsing the internet, going out for a walk with my dog, getting coffee, opening the door for the mailman ... I turned the timer off during any activities, that could not be considered "concentrated work, dedicated to progress".

My goal was to reach a steady average of 20 hours a week. In combination with my day job, this would all amount to a weekly workload of 36 - 40 hours a week. A full time job, but still manageable.

I managed to reach that goal during my first week after implementing it, but was unable to reach it in my second week.

We usually don't recognize how much time we spend on minor activities, that have nothing to do with work. When we go and grab a fresh cup of coffee, that's at least 5 minutes gone. Browsing the net and then losing yourself on Reddit, that's another 20 minutes. Taking a break and going outside for a while .... 30 minutes ..... but then again these breaks are necessary in order to uphold concentration.

I found, that for every hour of working on LW (fixing bugs, figuring out new code segments, tracking down problems) I would need at least 30 minutes - 1 hour of breaks and distraction. I only track the time I am actually sitting in front of the engine, but the breaks and distractions in between fulfill a purpose of some sort.

This does not seem to be true for mindless tasks however. If I work on a mindless task, such as duplicating code segments or implementing variables for a large blueprint I can work much longer without needing breaks. But the smarter you work with arrays, loops and timeline nodes, the less time you will need to spend on mindless tasks. You could even say, if you find yourself spending time on ANY meaningless and repetitive task in Unreal Engine 4, then you're not doing it right.

So I'm not 100% sure where this system will get me, but I want to stay with it. At least for a while so I can analyze my own time management.

Developer Diary 111 - Giant

This god damn thing ... the giant ..... I hate it so much. Players will hate it too. Everyone will hate this. But hopefully for different reasons .... The SFX for this thing are so tough to make. Getting the sounds to match his movements, getting the screams right in relation to his size .... everyday I sit down and try to get it better ... but it's so damn hard.

The video above is a pre made recording of the giant I did several years ago, and I imported it into my sequencer in order to experiment with his SFX in relation to his animation. I want to get the sound design right, but I'm still miles away from it being acceptable. Matching it will be a nightmare as well. I will have to separate each sound in relation to the limb movement (Back - Left Foot - Normal Crawling .... Back - Right Foot - Hurt Crawling .... a.s.o). Because of his size, it will also be necessary to consider large scale reverb on his crawling movements and screams ... but then again you can't overdo it, or it doesn't sound like he's outside anymore ....

Last month I finished a ton of SFX for other creatures, including the worm and some explosion and rifle SFX for my favorite wartowers. It's coming together ... but this giant is a roadblock for me right now.

I need to git gud.

Developer Diary 110

Yes, finally! I made some decent progress over the last month. I finished a large amount of character and AI related SFX (dharmapalas, chant SFX, environment SFX) and everything is slowly starting to come together (sound-wise). The biggest chunk of SFX is still to come: Hostile AI SFX (soldiers, hunters, worms a.s.o). Once everything is done, I will need to focus on fixing AI and character behavior. I'm also planning on implementing a new character model for Jonah. This will be some heavy lifting, because his entire animation blueprint is pretty deeply embedded into the game right now, but I need to do this before I can implement the SFX, or everything will just end in complete chaos, because the animations won't match the sounds I created. So to put this in the form of a progress update:

SFX:                                  60% Done (Char, Ambient, Environment Completed)

Music:                                90% Done (Palace Suites, Singing Souls & Themes)

Sound & Music Integr.:     10% Done (Only Singing Souls Integrated As Of Now)

Gamedesign:                    100% Done (pdf Is Complete)

Gameworld:                       20% Done (Basic World Map, Physics, Zones, Streams)

Game Functionality:          50% Done (Environment FX, Interaction BPs Complete)

AI Behavior:                      30% Done (All Static AIs Work Well, Dynamic AIs Not)

Models/Content:                70% Done (Missing New Char Model & Animations)

So there's obviously a long way to go, and just considering the fact, that those 300 SFX altogether took several months of work (also because they were quite complex: floods, earthquakes, buildings crumble a.s.o) and they are still not done yet, you can imagine the amount of work it still will take to finish all this. But for the first time in months I am actually optimistic. Imagine that.

Developer Diary 109 - Shambala

I've been making some slow progress on the SFX for Lakini's Woods again. And hopefully this will be the last time, that I have to post an old screenshot of the game world on this blog. It's been moving along really slow over the last month, but at least I'm making some sort of progress. I have been doing some work on a short film. I also gave a ton of lessons, did a second workshop and did a lot of research on game design. That last part is a lie. Sort of. I spent my nights watching Twitch streamers play games, that I never would have touched if it wasn't for them. And I was actually surprised at how much I enjoyed them and how well the game design was thought out (for instance "Slay The Spire" or "Castle In The Darkness")

Since then I have been reading up a lot on Shambala Buddhism, especially in relation to the concept of the "Shambala Warrior" as described by Chögyam Trungpa. I learned something important from all this and I hope I can integrate it into my life from now on:

- The way you move, is a reflection of what is going on inside of you
- If your immediate environment is in disorder, it will have a negative impact on your mind as well
- If your clothes are in disarray, it will in some form cause you to be in disarray as well
- True courage comes from embracing suffering with empathy, embrace your own, as well as others
- Every task that you accomplish throughout the day, can lead you to immediate instant awareness
- Discipline is equivalent to caring for yourself and others. Lose discipline and you lose yourself
- Meditation needs to be on point, and your posture as well as your breath matter tremendously

Ever since I came into contact with Shambala Buddhism, I started working out and meditating again. I even built a small Buddha shrine in my bedroom. Shambala Buddhism has given me a roadmap to navigate through this enormous darkness that my life has been throughout the last year. Death, loss, financial drains, losing someone I still love ... all at once ... it never ends. And I'm honestly afraid, that if I lose this new found discipline that I discovered, I will get lost. And I'm terrified of what will happen then. And so I run and clean up my house and I meditate and I lift weights and do pushups. Because I can't figure out any of this other stuff, so I might as well clean up my own body and my environment.

Every night, I light a big candle in my room. A couple of weeks back I received a candlestand from someone who still is really important to me. I light that candle every night and it spreads a beautiful atmosphere in my room. Chögyam Trungpa speaks of the so-called "Dralas", invisible warrior spirits, that guard the ones, who are worthy of their presence. They represent part of our inner forces and energies. An open clean space, that is created with guests in mind rather than the person living there, a calm and determined mind, upright posture, an open heart, courage to endure suffering, courage to open your heart to others and solid discipline .... these are the things that will invite the Dralas. If all else fails and my life goes to shit, I would at the very least like to be someone, who is representing these values. I'd rather be this, than anything else. And if everything else comes crashing down all around me anyway, then so be it.

Developer Diary 108 - Art & Consciousness

Over the last couple of weeks and months a lot has happened. From the standpoint of the reader it may seem like I was just struck by grief and stopped working on everything. But that is not even remotely true.

Recently I had the amazing opportunity to teach a group of students about my work. Tomorrow will be the final 6 hour long lecture. In the course of preparing for this lecture I was confronted with the question of what I believed would be the most important thing for them to learn. When I heard what they did with the assignment I gave them (write a score and create SFX for a small virtual world) I found it tough to put myself in a place to teach them anything. Their scores were amazing, their SFX detailed and they created spatial presence in an instant.

I knew I wanted to dive deeper into the concept of player immersion and eventually settled on giving a lecture on consciousness in relation to various forms of art. The first part of that lecture will focus on this aspect.

During the last couple of weeks I have meditated extensively. I even started praying again, something I stopped doing ever since I was 6 years old.

Dear Lord,

Let me be an instrument of thy peace,
Where there is hatred let me sow love,
Where there is injury pardon,
Where there is doubt faith,
Where there is despair hope,
Where there is darkness light,
Where there is sadness joy.

Oh divine master, grant that I may,
Not so much seek to be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love.

For it's in giving, that we receive.
And it is in pardoning, that we are pardoned.
And it is in dying, that we are born to eternal life.

Amen.

Now does that mean, that I believe in "the Lord"? I guess I believe in a very powerful light I once witnessed during a long night of meditation. It completely engulfed me and I experienced something I couldn't possibly put into words. I am hesitant to give this light a name, but from the point of a first person witness I can say it exists just as much, and maybe even more than you or I.

Recently I became familiar with the "Shambala" tradition of meditation, Tonglen and the practice of developing the "genuine heart of sadness". In combination with the Dzogchen teachings and various forms of mindfullness meditation I have gained a little bit more insight into my own mind and the world I live in.

In the Shambala tradition it is believed, that true courage, doesn't just come from facing your fears when danger arises. When you just put on a strong face and pull through, it has nothing to do with courage. Instead it is just a facade, that will sooner or later crumble. They believe that in order to attain true courage, a human being must conceive of the world's suffering and sadness in its entirety. Open your heart completely to the pain of every being around you. Put down your armor, break down your walls and let it all in, including your own suffering. And from this you will develop a courage born out of compassion. And this courage can't be broken, can't be diminished, it is always present.

Of course it is easier said than done. The walls are high, the armor heavy. There is a reason, why we believe we need to protect ourselves from the world. And there is a reason, why we are so terrified of letting other people's suffering inside our own hearts. We believe we may be unable to function, unable to go on with our daily lives, if we truly let all that pain in. I thought the same thing, and was proven wrong.

During the last couple of weeks I had glimpses of what I need to be and where I need to go. When I write music, or work on a virtual environment my mind is engaged. But not just engaged, it connects to something I can't explain. It is as if you look into the depths of the night sky and suddenly the entire universe is looking back at you. I discover consciousness in frequencies, in pieces of art that fascinate me, or in virtual environments. They are all conscious to some extent. And I can never really figure out why that is. I am not necessarily a fan of Panpsychism or Idealism. But I have had more than enough moments in which I was able to observe my own consciousness expand beyond what I thought was possible. What I perceive is conscious, what I observe is conscious, what I interact with is conscious and what I create is most conscious of all.

Being aware of the conscious nature of any creation is in my opinion a potential route towards mastery of any craft or art. Knowing that all the elements connect, are integrated and can communicate with each other to some extent ... it just changes the way you work. It changes everything. Opinions don't matter .... fame, prestige, admiration .... none of it matters. But being part of an extended consciousness ... I can't think of a greater joy in this world.

Developer Diary 107 - Death & Control

 

The death of my Mom taught me many things. She had been suffering from dementia for several years now and her conditioned had declined steadily over that time. I believed, that when the day came, I would be able to deal with it in an orderly fashion. After all it had been foreseeable and we had plenty of time to prepare. What I didn't expect was, that when she passed away I immediately started missing her former self, more than I had through all those years. Her dark humor, her strange conspiracy theories, her love of nature and animals... I really miss her mind, more now than ever.

My Mom didn't drift away peacefully like in the movies. We stayed at her bedside throughout the entire process and I think it had a deep effect on all of us.

I like to think that I have control over my life and the circumstances that ultimately determine whether or not my career and my personal life are successful. But how much control can I really exercise?

I can't sleep. I can't control the moment of sleep; I can't control when I relax or let go.Yet I have some control over the circumstances that can contribute to a healthy sleep schedule. I can dim the lights, open the window to let in fresh air, put on relaxing music .... but the ultimate moment of drifting away is elusive to me. I can't force myself to fall asleep.

How much control do I have over a project, that I really love doing? Hiring crew members and contractors ultimately means giving up control. But by not doing that, I don't necessarily have more control over the outcome of this project, because all contributing factors are now dependent on my own mental state and surrounding conditions. 

So it isn't necessarily a question of the "right" or "wrong" way to do something, but instead a question of "letting go". But how can anybody do that? I seriously ask myself that question over and over again ... how can anyone just give up control over something, that is really close to their heart? Is it just a leap of faith? Is there some way to predict the outcome, when I put my heart, my soul, my love into somebody else's hands?

It probably comes down to the question of whether or not we live in a just universe. Just by observing the news I think we can all agree on the fact, that there is no such thing as inherent justice in the world. Buddhists may believe in karma and the consequences of a person's "doing", but these consequences are not predeterminable either, since they arise out of a consciousness that has free will (at least to some degree). If you are Buddhist and you believe in a non-dual reality beyond the realm of what is perceivable to us, then you also need to believe in the unpredictability of a person's "doing" and therefore human nature is ultimately unpredictable.

I remember this story of a guy who took DMT every day for 6 months straight. He documented his experiences on and off the drug over the entire period. During one of his trips he was on a hill and a thunderstorm was roaring at him. He felt like giving up, like the sheer force of the winds would simply blow him away. But he realized in that moment, that a human being's strongest and most valuable quality is perseverance in the face of impossible circumstances. He saw creatures as tall as buildings pass him by and felt the universe in its totality. And he knew that the life of a human being is unique in that regard and the story it tells is irreplaceable.

 

Developer Diary 106

I've made decent progress over the last month:

- I created an additional 64 SFX
- I bought a new PC with a massive 32 core processor and an additional screen to work with UE4
- I read up on NDEs over the last month and finished an important part of the plot

Jonah is caught between the red army and a german batallion after his escape out of the orphanage. He decides to take his own life by jumping off a cliff out of fear and perceives what he believes is his own death. The player sees it like this as well. In the beginning of the game, Jonah sees his own body lying on the ground and then travels through a tunnel, enters a luminous light, with energies and stars in all colors surrounding him. He finally arrives in a meadow and explores Lakini's Woods, fights the dharmapalas (symbolizing his own strengths and weaknesses) and discovers his own shadow and consequently his own light. In the end he is confronted with a choice: Return to earth and help the remaining children escape the battle and the psychopathic hunter "Silver", or remain and find peace.

It is strongly hinted at throughout the game, that saving those children is of incredible importance. The singing souls inside Lakini's Woods teach Jonah the story of the universe, how the first consciousness split itself into smaller parts, that enter their own dream and then return back to the great one. But due to this first split, light and darkness came into the world. The great consciousness' curiosity created duality and with it independent beings living in a dual world of light and darkness (which is basically the world human beings perceive). Now parts of the great consciousness are in danger of forgetting who they actually are. Darkness will prevail if humanity is not set on a path of self-realization and eventually the great consciousness will split over and over and over again and finally forget itself. The children Jonah saves, play an important role in this.

Jonah died at a crucial moment in time, and saving those children would bring the world back onto a path of self-realization and with this, the great consciousness would be able to perceive itself again, to remember who and what it actually is. But the shadows fight with all their might against it, as the dissolution of duality will also mean the end of darkness, the end of their existence as they know it. They fight for their eternal survival, as they do not wish to return to be part of the great consciousness. Jonah is a mortal threat to their existence.

The goddess Lakini is an acolyte of the great consciousness. Lakini lights a fire in the hearts of men, for their shadows to manifest in front of them. It is the ultimate force that hopes to reunite the great consciousness with the sum of its parts. But in order to give light and realization to Jonah, it will inevitably have to give life and identity to Jonah's darkness as well. Ironically in order to create a realization of non-duality in mankind, Lakini has to push a man's consciousness into a world of extreme dual separation. His fears, his anger, his imbalance, his helplessness, his suffering... The shadows inside the forest embody those qualities, the dharmapalas however embody personal qualities that Jonah can conquer and use to his advantage.

Silver's shadow (dominant and affecting his behavior) and Jonah's shadow (subservient until awoken by Lakini) are the ultimate acolytes of the darkness. They wish to manifest in their own form, they strive for independence, power, pride, control. They are predators and wish to secure their own survival, their own independent identity. There is no antagonist to the great consciousness, only former parts of it, that have lost their way and wish to remain separate. These shadows are an integral part of human existence and they live in all of us. While pursuing that goal, in their ignorance they appear to be almost as powerful, if not more powerful than the great consciousness itself, since the foundation of all conscious unity is free will. No conscious entity can be forced to act a certain way. Just as the great consciousness is free, so are its dissociated parts: Human identities, animals, demons, spirits, shadows, gods ....


Right now there are a lot of things going on in my life. Unfortunately my Mom is very sick, and the reality is that she will not make it. The prognosis in her case is, that she will die with an 80% probability in the next month. I can't even begin to describe the effect this has on me. But reading up on many NDEs (Near-Death-Experiences) has helped me deal with this experience. I sincerely hope that once Lakini's Woods is done, it will give many players a new perspective on life, death and depression.

To some extent I do believe, that there is " a great consciousness" and that all of us have split from it for one reason or another. I also firmly believe that self-realization is a massively important part of human existence. I experienced this "great consciousness" at least once during meditation when I was 24 years old and it left a deep impression on me. I cannot put this experience into words, but I felt tremendously grateful at that moment and the experience moved me to tears. I hope that someday I will be able to transmit this experience to other people. Lakini's Woods will be a first step on that path.