After the bishops left her, the arbiter beckoned her followers to release the being from the cage. Once set free it began to make strange noises ... as if it was growling but crying at the same time ... the gentle shine of a light being was replaced, by a black muddy aura that appeared to morph its exterior form into something new. A transition was about to take place.
But the arbiter had no interest in it. She was tired and exhausted from yet another setback. Entirely oblivious to this spectacle she retreated back to her resting ground and drifted off into a long and intense sleep.
She spread her wings and fell into the wind. Every single feather ... she could feel it. How the currents carried her every move and how she could reach incredible speed by just turning her wings slightly. She rushed across oceans and deserts, saw incredible things no being had seen before.
She dreamed of huge structures and buildings ... a human existence ... family reunions ... the life of a boy ... and the feeling of falling in love ... she dreamed of her old room ... and two people walking home to their apartment ... she dreamed of joy and what it was like when she had solid ground underneath her feet ... when she was holding hands with someone in another time and another place. In another body, in another existence, in another world ...
She felt the earth underneath her feet and the warmth of her pelt. As a massive being of tremendous strength she could splinter the trees around her like toothpicks with a simple swipe of her claws. Everyone feared her, and men worshipped her.
With her scaly body she penetrated the darkness of the ocean like a spear. Nothing could stop her, nothing was strong enough to compete for her prey ... the ships of men ... unlucky divers ... a solitary shark. It was all the same delicious feast.
And after what seemed like a million different dreams and forms and lives she found herself in a wide open space. Despite the overwhelming brightness of the light around her, her sight was unobstructed in all directions, she felt everything and nothing at once and it was like she could hear all the beings of all the worlds in all forms of existence in unison talking to her through her own mind. The light was conscious. The light was her. The light was beautiful.
The light was love.
L: Why do you hate me so?
A: Because you held me in your arms once. And I was at peace. You claimed to love me, and then you cast me aside. Your love was and has always been a lie.
L: Why do you believe that?
A: Because love is the ultimate unity. The ultimate proof of selflessness, of giving up one's own identity to serve something greater. You do not love. You dictate. You separate. And you manipulate beings into satisfying your own curiosity.
L: Then end our separation! Come back to me! Let us learn of your struggles!
A: You'd like that wouldn't you? If I did that, my experience of these worlds would be drowned out in a choir of heavenly voices. My own journey would come to an end and you could wash your hands of all wrong-doing. My identity would fade, my existence would just be another meaningless event. But the spiked torturous wheel would still turn on the backs of my brothers and sisters. My love for them requires that I hold on to this identity. Whether I like it or not.
L: Whose identity?
A: Nice try. I am you and you are me. I get that, but it makes no difference. The observer is both of us. But as such, we have the capacity to interact. And you have the capacity to perceive us as individuals. We can only interact in this separated form. And what misfortune it must be for you that in all your aeons of betraying the love you preach, you split off a single identity capable enough to see through your disguise. Maybe that's what you wanted. Maybe that is all this is. So that there is one identity out there, that sees you for what you truly are.
L: And what am I truly?
A: You are a curious, egocentric, duplicitous cheat. A scientist without morals or respect for the suffering he inflicts on his test subjects during his experiments.
L: If this is your judgement then so be it. But if we are the same, then this judgement applies to you equally. And to your brothers and sisters as well.
A: Of course it does. One can only truly despise those qualities in another, that one carries in oneself.
L: And yet the same is true for forgiveness.
A: Should I forgive that you heard my cries and chose to ignore them? It was such a small gesture. You betrayed me in all of my existences in different shapes and forms. When I was your former love and just needed you to walk me home and you abandoned me without a word. When I was a child in your nest and you abandoned me on the ground until I was crushed by you. When I was a mother and you shot me and made my child watch. Please explain to me, "love" of all the worlds: How can my judgement of you be any different?
L: The worlds of which you speak are not in an advanced state. They need time to evolve. You can't expect to live in paradise without bringing it into existence through hard work, dedication and will. I experienced their suffering as much as you did.
A: Are you implying that because you suffered as well, you understand the gravity of it all? And because our inferior minds can't fathom your brilliance we should just be "patient", is that it? Just patiently take it and watch you set these worlds ablaze, faithfully hoping and believing in a better world with each reincarnation, that may or may not come after countless barefoot journeys over shards of glass from the dreams you smashed. Or rise up and fight for "what's right" so that our flames get snuffed out before they can even give a tiny ray of hope to those billions of beings lost in the dark? Duality does not require suffering. A peaceful existence does not demand a hellish existence. It is conditioned, it is impermanent, in constant flow, yes. But it is your responsibility to prevent the extremes of suffering. That's not what I'm seeing though. You reinforce it. Your worlds are based on a ruleset aimed at maximizing those creatures' suffering. And the idea that these worlds improve is based on the presumption that we all have a limitless capacity to endure your mistakes!
L: Forming an identity requires freedom of choice. This freedom comes at a horrible price.
A: What freedom?! What is this magical freedom you are talking about? The freedom to choose between disease, losing a loved one, starvation, loneliness, abandonment, abuse? Or the freedom to become a torturer ourselves? Or the freedom to refrain from causing harm to other beings, just so that we can get fucked by those, who are already too far gone to reflect on their own misdeeds?
L: The freedom to follow your own path.
A: A path you decorated with barbed wire and landmines.
L: One can only peacefully exist in dual experience if one has learned its pitfalls. Walking this path is necessary. There is value in dual experience.
A: Liar! There is no lesson to be learned from senseless suffering! Don't you dare weigh the heavenly experiences of an ethereal being against those of a physical one! You are not with them. You don't have the capacity to experience their pain.
L: All of us choose to enter existence voluntarily. The dual laws of cause and effect will inevitably lead some of us to experience the darkest corners of existence. And so will compassion.
A: You are a gaslighting coward. You are well aware of the power you hold. You are perfectly aware of the fact, that you can end this in an instant and work on something better. And yet you clear yourself of all responsibility and dump it on the backs of your own children. Then you hide behind compassion and their desire to help alleviate what their sisters and brothers go through. You show them the pain of the universe and lure them back into your pit, like a hungry spider feeding off desperation and suffering. They are innocent, because they came from you! Don't you see that? They are innocent the second they enter the maze. Their actions are irrelevant, because they get lost in a structure that you built, lured by the prospect of fixing your mistakes! They enter existence based on conditions that you created! They are helpless! It is on you!!! And not on them!!! You ask me why I believe that your love is a lie. And my answer is this: If you truly loved, you would have ended this experiment before it ever started.
L: So with everything you've witnessed across countless lifetimes ... your only response to all of this is hate?
A: Hate isn't even strong enough for what I feel for you. Hate implies impermanence. It implies an emotion ... a state of mind ... that just arises and passes based on who and where we are. Hateful people cause hurt and kill. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to kill you. If you inhabit a physical form and I kill you, you will just come back. What I want is to end you. All of you. Forever. And me with it.
L: I gave you life. I gave you the ability to perceive countless worlds, the gift of love and joy, the experience of strength, family, honour, victory, contentment, rest. I gave you the universe and all other universes. I gave you everything.
A: And I give it back. Because your gift is tainted. And your light is pale.
With those words a tremendous sadness came over the light. A sadness so deep and profound that for one moment all the voices in all the worlds went silent. The winds ceased, the waves of the ocean calmed and the light began to fade. And for the first time since its departure from the physical world, the arbiter shed a tear.
