Over the last couple of weeks and months a lot has happened. From the standpoint of the reader it may seem like I was just struck by grief and stopped working on everything. But that is not even remotely true.
Recently I had the amazing opportunity to teach a group of students about my work. Tomorrow will be the final 6 hour long lecture. In the course of preparing for this lecture I was confronted with the question of what I believed would be the most important thing for them to learn. When I heard what they did with the assignment I gave them (write a score and create SFX for a small virtual world) I found it tough to put myself in a place to teach them anything. Their scores were amazing, their SFX detailed and they created spatial presence in an instant.
I knew I wanted to dive deeper into the concept of player immersion and eventually settled on giving a lecture on consciousness in relation to various forms of art. The first part of that lecture will focus on this aspect.
During the last couple of weeks I have meditated extensively. I even started praying again, something I stopped doing ever since I was 6 years old.
Dear Lord,
Let me be an instrument of thy peace,
Where there is hatred let me sow love,
Where there is injury pardon,
Where there is doubt faith,
Where there is despair hope,
Where there is darkness light,
Where there is sadness joy.
Oh divine master, grant that I may,
Not so much seek to be consoled as to console,
To be understood as to understand,
To be loved as to love.
For it's in giving, that we receive.
And it is in pardoning, that we are pardoned.
And it is in dying, that we are born to eternal life.
Amen.
Now does that mean, that I believe in "the Lord"? I guess I believe in a very powerful light I once witnessed during a long night of meditation. It completely engulfed me and I experienced something I couldn't possibly put into words. I am hesitant to give this light a name, but from the point of a first person witness I can say it exists just as much, and maybe even more than you or I.
Recently I became familiar with the "Shambala" tradition of meditation, Tonglen and the practice of developing the "genuine heart of sadness". In combination with the Dzogchen teachings and various forms of mindfullness meditation I have gained a little bit more insight into my own mind and the world I live in.
In the Shambala tradition it is believed, that true courage, doesn't just come from facing your fears when danger arises. When you just put on a strong face and pull through, it has nothing to do with courage. Instead it is just a facade, that will sooner or later crumble. They believe that in order to attain true courage, a human being must conceive of the world's suffering and sadness in its entirety. Open your heart completely to the pain of every being around you. Put down your armor, break down your walls and let it all in, including your own suffering. And from this you will develop a courage born out of compassion. And this courage can't be broken, can't be diminished, it is always present.
Of course it is easier said than done. The walls are high, the armor heavy. There is a reason, why we believe we need to protect ourselves from the world. And there is a reason, why we are so terrified of letting other people's suffering inside our own hearts. We believe we may be unable to function, unable to go on with our daily lives, if we truly let all that pain in. I thought the same thing, and was proven wrong.
During the last couple of weeks I had glimpses of what I need to be and where I need to go. When I write music, or work on a virtual environment my mind is engaged. But not just engaged, it connects to something I can't explain. It is as if you look into the depths of the night sky and suddenly the entire universe is looking back at you. I discover consciousness in frequencies, in pieces of art that fascinate me, or in virtual environments. They are all conscious to some extent. And I can never really figure out why that is. I am not necessarily a fan of Panpsychism or Idealism. But I have had more than enough moments in which I was able to observe my own consciousness expand beyond what I thought was possible. What I perceive is conscious, what I observe is conscious, what I interact with is conscious and what I create is most conscious of all.
Being aware of the conscious nature of any creation is in my opinion a potential route towards mastery of any craft or art. Knowing that all the elements connect, are integrated and can communicate with each other to some extent ... it just changes the way you work. It changes everything. Opinions don't matter .... fame, prestige, admiration .... none of it matters. But being part of an extended consciousness ... I can't think of a greater joy in this world.
